Hugs, Pam. Aw, Pam - such wise words from your son, and what a beautiful affirmation from your sister-in-law. Happy belated birthday to Mike.
Critics and people throwing comments from the stands need to focus their attention on their own lives/elsewhere. Judgments and assumptions can sap the precious energy and time we have. You're doing exactly what Mike asked. No one else has the right to judge; they're not Mike or you. I'm SO glad your children and sister-in-law were with you.
Oh yessss, even if they've no right to, they do. I feel and know that hurt well, Pam. Even when we know it happens, regardless of right or wrong, it hurts. Sitting in the pain of it with you. Hugs.
My husband is not yet 70 and has been in a nursing home for two years, now with rapidly declining very severe dementia and all sorts of contributory chronic conditions. He looks in his 90s. I am 67 and am always presumed to be much younger than that as my hair is naturally not yet grey. We married four years ago, after thirty years together, when he first developed obvious Parkinsons problems. He was otherwise fine.
Many of the home staff seem to believe a constant rumour that I only married him for his house and money and am a gold digger, probably fortyish. Sometimes I think it is the ever changing staff who are deluded, not the residents.
We have no children, I worked full time for over forty years and have a state pension, private pension and an inheritance. None of their business
I really don't understand why some human beings seem to be inclined to believe the worst of everyone they meet. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that, but I'm glad you're securely rooted in the truth you know.
Couldn't agree with you more! You are absolutely correct.Facts matter.We love the patient and that does not change ...while everything else does.You are doing great.GREAT! Well done you on honouring your responsibility accountably.Better be sad than have regrets.Thoughless comments need to be written down,torn up and fired straight into the bin.Enjoy the bright moments and cut yourself the largest slice of slack ON THIS PLANET! CONGRATULATIONS..to you both ,doing your utmost best at the worst of times.Lovehim.Loveyourself.You owe NOBODY!🏆🥇🩷💙
You're absolutely right about the variety of caregivers, even in a very good facility. It's a hard job and I can imagine it's even harder to find people who remain devoted to doing it well.
Oh, Pam. Even the fact that this is a subject to write about is heart breaking! I’m so sorry you have to justify your decisions and choices to others. Truly - none of their business. And I’m guessing none of the commenters does anything to try to make life better for those who live in institutional settings. Nothing about this journey is easy, and ignorance on the part of others doesn't help. 😘
Honestly, what upsets me most is when people who SHOULD know better (who have been in this situation themselves, for instance, and know how hard these choices are) insist that I should be doing whatever they did. Apparently that would provide the validation that they did things "right."
Hearing your sister-in-laws words made me feel better, I cant imagine what they made you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. After Glenn's stroke he didn't know who anyone was--it took a long time for that to come back. People always assume I am his daughter. He is 54 I am 53. Something about brain injury and disease and the situation--the caring for them--creates the illusion of parent/child. Thank you for sharing with us!
53/54 is very, very young to be walking this path. But I think you're right that the caregiver/patient bond brings to mind the parent/child relationship. I hadn't even thought about that, but it makes complete sense.
It's very hard for family to see deteriorated member, knowing what they were like in good health. I remember when a teen, visiting a much-loved aunt in hospital.
Some people should learn to keep their opinions to themselves. I don’t know what good they expect will come from questioning or criticizing someone else’s very difficult & personal decision. That would be the last time I had anything to do with that person.
I second that.With 68 years conviction!! Thank you for empowering someone good to keep on keeping in.One needs a skin of iron running the gauntlet through this heartache.💞🏆🥇
I feel your pain. It’s a horrible disease for family to watch. My husband went in to a memory care unit at 71 and he is the youngest one there. He would not want this for himself. But as your family said to you you are doing what’s best for him. Caregiver syndrome is real and exhausting. I’m still not myself. But I simply could not care for him at home any longer. I hope for the best for you.
Pam, you nailed it. Trying to force the "quality time", hoping for a second of connection...heartbreaking each time. I also was mistaken for Lee's daughter...we were 9 years apart, but it was the disease that just kept taking more and more of him. Hugs and caring thoughts to you.
My husband is still with me...a whole nightmare in itself, and not the way most would think by reading that. We've been on this journey for 3 years so far, (i have my own health issues) I'm trying to find a place we can both live that he can transition to memory care, but I'm not ready to be old yet! He is only 69 (me-68) but time is coming quick. It's hard to plan for when you're in 2 different places. I've been surprised and the level of ignorance in ppl i would think should know better. Last night I was reminded of my vows when I mentioned he was becoming more sexually aggressive...lol...
Oh goodness.The needy- well need to keep their trap shut.Aggressive much ?? Well done you ...reading this makes ME want to punch that unself- aware ,un- self reflective twat in the face! Top marks for impulse control !! These micro-aggressions may mask their suppressed unresolved incompetence /ignorance which they find blissful (education gets a big thumbs down with the 'critics'and 'common commentators 'who Preach From On High ! You are a saint! To brighter times !🌸🌺🌸🌺
Oof. This was so beautiful and so powerful. I found you over on Midstack and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us. I don't know if you've thought of it, but it occurred to me that this could be a piece for Modern Love.
Such a difficult situation to deal with. I'm so sorry that on top of all that you also have to deal with people's judgement. Sending good vibes your way! 💓
Happy birthday to your husband. My mother-in-law passed away from a form of dementia when she was in her early 60s. We were part of her care team, although my father-in-law was with her full time. He opted to do care at home with a health aide instead of a facility. Lots of people in the family questioned that. I didn't see the point of litigating all of that. These decisions are hard and we do the best we can with what we've got.
And for what it's worth, my father-in-law was treated a similar way as you, that others thought his wife was his mother, due to how that awful disease aged her rapidly.
Hugs, Pam. Aw, Pam - such wise words from your son, and what a beautiful affirmation from your sister-in-law. Happy belated birthday to Mike.
Critics and people throwing comments from the stands need to focus their attention on their own lives/elsewhere. Judgments and assumptions can sap the precious energy and time we have. You're doing exactly what Mike asked. No one else has the right to judge; they're not Mike or you. I'm SO glad your children and sister-in-law were with you.
You're right, of course: no one is in a position to judge. But people do it anyway, and it's hurtful.
Oh yessss, even if they've no right to, they do. I feel and know that hurt well, Pam. Even when we know it happens, regardless of right or wrong, it hurts. Sitting in the pain of it with you. Hugs.
My husband is not yet 70 and has been in a nursing home for two years, now with rapidly declining very severe dementia and all sorts of contributory chronic conditions. He looks in his 90s. I am 67 and am always presumed to be much younger than that as my hair is naturally not yet grey. We married four years ago, after thirty years together, when he first developed obvious Parkinsons problems. He was otherwise fine.
Many of the home staff seem to believe a constant rumour that I only married him for his house and money and am a gold digger, probably fortyish. Sometimes I think it is the ever changing staff who are deluded, not the residents.
We have no children, I worked full time for over forty years and have a state pension, private pension and an inheritance. None of their business
I really don't understand why some human beings seem to be inclined to believe the worst of everyone they meet. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that, but I'm glad you're securely rooted in the truth you know.
Couldn't agree with you more! You are absolutely correct.Facts matter.We love the patient and that does not change ...while everything else does.You are doing great.GREAT! Well done you on honouring your responsibility accountably.Better be sad than have regrets.Thoughless comments need to be written down,torn up and fired straight into the bin.Enjoy the bright moments and cut yourself the largest slice of slack ON THIS PLANET! CONGRATULATIONS..to you both ,doing your utmost best at the worst of times.Lovehim.Loveyourself.You owe NOBODY!🏆🥇🩷💙
Love the Cat Stevens song and glad to hear you've got realistic and supportive family. Happy birthday Mike!
It is a crying shame that outside-the-home care is stigmatized.
It is a crying shame that (my family's experience) dumping relatives into syndicate nursing homes is a thing.
The shame is a burden transferred from a misunderstanding of reality.
There are really good places and people, and there are bad. I met wonderful caregivers in the worst places and negligent caregivers in good places.
The biggest shame (imho) is the machinations of Big Pharma and Hellth Insurance. But that's a whole 'nother barbed wire fence.
🎶Walk a mile in my shoes...
You're absolutely right about the variety of caregivers, even in a very good facility. It's a hard job and I can imagine it's even harder to find people who remain devoted to doing it well.
My heart understands burnout and attachment.
While I'm good in emergencies/crises, my system shuts down over sustained emotional stress.
My "empathy bone" would not make me a good provider in a clinical setting, and thus I truly respect the people working in long-term care facilities.
Pam, you always tell the truth here too, and your readers implicitly trust you. Thank you.
Thank you, Sue. It's encouraging that the people who actually know me believe I'm doing what Mike would want.
Oh, Pam. Even the fact that this is a subject to write about is heart breaking! I’m so sorry you have to justify your decisions and choices to others. Truly - none of their business. And I’m guessing none of the commenters does anything to try to make life better for those who live in institutional settings. Nothing about this journey is easy, and ignorance on the part of others doesn't help. 😘
Honestly, what upsets me most is when people who SHOULD know better (who have been in this situation themselves, for instance, and know how hard these choices are) insist that I should be doing whatever they did. Apparently that would provide the validation that they did things "right."
That would be doubly hard!! I pray I learn my lessons well on this journey and never cause someone else pain with my insensitivity!
Hearing your sister-in-laws words made me feel better, I cant imagine what they made you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. After Glenn's stroke he didn't know who anyone was--it took a long time for that to come back. People always assume I am his daughter. He is 54 I am 53. Something about brain injury and disease and the situation--the caring for them--creates the illusion of parent/child. Thank you for sharing with us!
53/54 is very, very young to be walking this path. But I think you're right that the caregiver/patient bond brings to mind the parent/child relationship. I hadn't even thought about that, but it makes complete sense.
Sending strength and comforting hugs.❤️🙏
It's very hard for family to see deteriorated member, knowing what they were like in good health. I remember when a teen, visiting a much-loved aunt in hospital.
Some people should learn to keep their opinions to themselves. I don’t know what good they expect will come from questioning or criticizing someone else’s very difficult & personal decision. That would be the last time I had anything to do with that person.
I second that.With 68 years conviction!! Thank you for empowering someone good to keep on keeping in.One needs a skin of iron running the gauntlet through this heartache.💞🏆🥇
I feel your pain. It’s a horrible disease for family to watch. My husband went in to a memory care unit at 71 and he is the youngest one there. He would not want this for himself. But as your family said to you you are doing what’s best for him. Caregiver syndrome is real and exhausting. I’m still not myself. But I simply could not care for him at home any longer. I hope for the best for you.
Pam, you nailed it. Trying to force the "quality time", hoping for a second of connection...heartbreaking each time. I also was mistaken for Lee's daughter...we were 9 years apart, but it was the disease that just kept taking more and more of him. Hugs and caring thoughts to you.
My husband is still with me...a whole nightmare in itself, and not the way most would think by reading that. We've been on this journey for 3 years so far, (i have my own health issues) I'm trying to find a place we can both live that he can transition to memory care, but I'm not ready to be old yet! He is only 69 (me-68) but time is coming quick. It's hard to plan for when you're in 2 different places. I've been surprised and the level of ignorance in ppl i would think should know better. Last night I was reminded of my vows when I mentioned he was becoming more sexually aggressive...lol...
Oh goodness.The needy- well need to keep their trap shut.Aggressive much ?? Well done you ...reading this makes ME want to punch that unself- aware ,un- self reflective twat in the face! Top marks for impulse control !! These micro-aggressions may mask their suppressed unresolved incompetence /ignorance which they find blissful (education gets a big thumbs down with the 'critics'and 'common commentators 'who Preach From On High ! You are a saint! To brighter times !🌸🌺🌸🌺
Oof. This was so beautiful and so powerful. I found you over on Midstack and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us. I don't know if you've thought of it, but it occurred to me that this could be a piece for Modern Love.
Ooh, thanks for the recommendation! I didn't even think of that.
Great idea! I second that (e) motion! 💞
Thank goodness for your sister-in-law. We need to hear the truth we believe but sometimes doubt. I'm sending you and your family big hugs. xxN
"The truth we believe but sometimes doubt." Exactly. Thanks for those words.
Such a difficult situation to deal with. I'm so sorry that on top of all that you also have to deal with people's judgement. Sending good vibes your way! 💓
Happy birthday to your husband. My mother-in-law passed away from a form of dementia when she was in her early 60s. We were part of her care team, although my father-in-law was with her full time. He opted to do care at home with a health aide instead of a facility. Lots of people in the family questioned that. I didn't see the point of litigating all of that. These decisions are hard and we do the best we can with what we've got.
And for what it's worth, my father-in-law was treated a similar way as you, that others thought his wife was his mother, due to how that awful disease aged her rapidly.
Thank you for sharing this!