Unfortunately, I think in a lot of cases if people said what they really meant, it would be something like “I’d rather not get too close to your pain because it scares me” or “thank God it’s you doing that and not me”.
We need to get a lot better at supporting each other in meaningful ways. Carefully examining how we communicate with people who are struggling is a huge part of that. To do that with integrity, we have to be honest with ourselves about the impulse to dismiss or deny others’ feelings in order to protect our own.
Also, although it wasn’t the main focus of the essay, what’s haunting me right now is that phrase “got herself in trouble”. I heard it all the time growing up too, but I’d kind of forgotten it until I read this - and it makes me sick now. It’s overwhelming, all the casual ways women have propped up and enabled their oppressors.
And the ways in which the threat of that oppression was used to shape our behavior. Just the thought of what *would* happen to us if we stepped out of line was often enough to make us obedient.
It’s challenging to be on the receiving end of those euphemisms. I try to respond to the person’s intention, yet there are days I want to say things like “please **try** to imagine.” But I never do, of course. I was raised to be “polite”.
I find myself greatly appreciating people who have been or are going thru difficult times giving me a bit of understanding.. it can be small, but it’s clear. If someone says “I’d like to help, what can I do for you today, or this week?” It’s SO much better than “call me if you need anything”.
I am fully convinced that most of the people who say "call me if you need anything" do so only because they're confident that you will never call them. Much more helpful is a gesture like that of my friend who brought a container of fruit salad to our workplace (after my post about finding it difficult to feed myself.) She put it in the work fridge and told me it was there if I wanted it. Simple, true, and specifically helpful.
Years ago Michelle Johnson told me she hates when people say how lucky she is to have Steve. She said "luck has nothing to do with it. I chose him on purpose." And that's really stuck with me.
I used to say that all the time when people told me how lucky I was to have a husband who "helped" with the kids. What I usually said was something like "Not lucky--smart. And he doesn't 'help me' with the kids, he takes care of them because they are also HIS kids."
"I don't know what to say" might be the most honest thing I've never said out loud at a wake.
I've been to two in the last few months. One for a neighbor I didn't know well enough — I stood there acutely aware that my words were for my own comfort, not his family's. One for a cousin whose life ended too soon, where nothing I could think to say came close to the size of what had happened.
Both times I reached for the familiar words. Both times I knew they weren't enough. Both times I said them anyway, because silence felt like abandonment.
What I'm taking from this piece: maybe the silence was closer to the truth than anything I managed to say.
Honestly, people who say "I have no words" feel like they're being more honest with me than those who say things that obviously aren't true (like "You're an angel"), even though I know they mean well.
Beautifully and artfully woven, Pam. Urgghh, those phrases!
If I may add another layer - culture and language. Erin Meyer wrote "The Culture Map" in 2014, in which she laid out the differences between low- and high-context cultures. The latter assumes "a much greater, shared context. It’s multilayered and more implicit in its communication. There are higher expectations that the receiver uses all their senses to understand the meaning of what’s being communicated." I can share an article I wrote with links to her work if it's of interest to you. All to say, sometimes, silence speaks volumes depending on the cultural context.
Those girls out front having a picnic on the grass, like Booth was summer camp. You opened with that, and you were right to.
But "got herself in trouble" isn't lazy. It's surgical. No father anywhere in it. No family that drove her there, either. Just a girl, and a verb she supposedly did to herself. Booth wasn't somewhere girls just ended up. Seven in ten signed the baby away in there and came home to act like none of it happened.
"Lucky to have you," that's the same trick, run on you now. Takes somebody's actual choice and writes it off as weather.
And Kris, sitting in there finishing her GED so she'd have some kind of paper to show for it... God.
This reminds me of an African American saying, "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut."
Saying what we actually mean requires that we sit with and actually feel our feelings so we know of what we speak. And that ...
I love that saying, Phil. I'm going to remember it.
Beautiful. Challenging. True. Thank you, Pam. ❤️
Thank you for this excellent essay.
Unfortunately, I think in a lot of cases if people said what they really meant, it would be something like “I’d rather not get too close to your pain because it scares me” or “thank God it’s you doing that and not me”.
We need to get a lot better at supporting each other in meaningful ways. Carefully examining how we communicate with people who are struggling is a huge part of that. To do that with integrity, we have to be honest with ourselves about the impulse to dismiss or deny others’ feelings in order to protect our own.
Also, although it wasn’t the main focus of the essay, what’s haunting me right now is that phrase “got herself in trouble”. I heard it all the time growing up too, but I’d kind of forgotten it until I read this - and it makes me sick now. It’s overwhelming, all the casual ways women have propped up and enabled their oppressors.
And the ways in which the threat of that oppression was used to shape our behavior. Just the thought of what *would* happen to us if we stepped out of line was often enough to make us obedient.
Another powerful article. Thank you.
It’s challenging to be on the receiving end of those euphemisms. I try to respond to the person’s intention, yet there are days I want to say things like “please **try** to imagine.” But I never do, of course. I was raised to be “polite”.
I find myself greatly appreciating people who have been or are going thru difficult times giving me a bit of understanding.. it can be small, but it’s clear. If someone says “I’d like to help, what can I do for you today, or this week?” It’s SO much better than “call me if you need anything”.
I am fully convinced that most of the people who say "call me if you need anything" do so only because they're confident that you will never call them. Much more helpful is a gesture like that of my friend who brought a container of fruit salad to our workplace (after my post about finding it difficult to feed myself.) She put it in the work fridge and told me it was there if I wanted it. Simple, true, and specifically helpful.
Years ago Michelle Johnson told me she hates when people say how lucky she is to have Steve. She said "luck has nothing to do with it. I chose him on purpose." And that's really stuck with me.
I used to say that all the time when people told me how lucky I was to have a husband who "helped" with the kids. What I usually said was something like "Not lucky--smart. And he doesn't 'help me' with the kids, he takes care of them because they are also HIS kids."
Yes. This is excellent, Pam. ❤️
"I don't know what to say" might be the most honest thing I've never said out loud at a wake.
I've been to two in the last few months. One for a neighbor I didn't know well enough — I stood there acutely aware that my words were for my own comfort, not his family's. One for a cousin whose life ended too soon, where nothing I could think to say came close to the size of what had happened.
Both times I reached for the familiar words. Both times I knew they weren't enough. Both times I said them anyway, because silence felt like abandonment.
What I'm taking from this piece: maybe the silence was closer to the truth than anything I managed to say.
Honestly, people who say "I have no words" feel like they're being more honest with me than those who say things that obviously aren't true (like "You're an angel"), even though I know they mean well.
Beautifully and artfully woven, Pam. Urgghh, those phrases!
If I may add another layer - culture and language. Erin Meyer wrote "The Culture Map" in 2014, in which she laid out the differences between low- and high-context cultures. The latter assumes "a much greater, shared context. It’s multilayered and more implicit in its communication. There are higher expectations that the receiver uses all their senses to understand the meaning of what’s being communicated." I can share an article I wrote with links to her work if it's of interest to you. All to say, sometimes, silence speaks volumes depending on the cultural context.
I'd love to read that article.
Here you go, Pam: https://www.carermentor.com/p/mind-the-gap-build-a-bridge?utm_source=publication-search
It was part of a larger series about "Walking your why" https://www.carermentor.com/t/walking-your-why
Those girls out front having a picnic on the grass, like Booth was summer camp. You opened with that, and you were right to.
But "got herself in trouble" isn't lazy. It's surgical. No father anywhere in it. No family that drove her there, either. Just a girl, and a verb she supposedly did to herself. Booth wasn't somewhere girls just ended up. Seven in ten signed the baby away in there and came home to act like none of it happened.
"Lucky to have you," that's the same trick, run on you now. Takes somebody's actual choice and writes it off as weather.
And Kris, sitting in there finishing her GED so she'd have some kind of paper to show for it... God.