Thank you, Pam. You made me cry at the end. And may I leave you with another thought regarding your day at home? If some sort of bug was working on you - you did well to not go into Mike's care home and possibly spread it to him and others too. Something to keep in mind for next time.
I love that you have this forum and the ability to so eloquently express your emotions and experiences of this journey. You aren’t the only woman to travel this road, but everyone’s trip is different. I can honestly say I enjoy your writing, and I’m sad this has to be your topic, but I’m so glad you can do this in a public way so you can get loving feedback so you maybe don’t feel so alone. ❤️
I eagerly await your posts as if they were chapters in a gripping story. They are, of course, but unfolding in real time. That you write so clearly and directly and in such a polished way about what is so wrenching is remarkable. It is a gift to me as I imagine myself in the same shoes in the not too distant future. When I think about this scenario to come, I feel like a hurricane of emotions and decisions is bearing down. By describing your path in such a clear, calm way you help me calm my own anticipatory fears. If/when you publish a book based on your experience, it will be a stand-out in a genre that understandably emphasizes the harrowing nature of what dementia caregivers go through, without much about how to remain sane and steady. Thank you.
Jill, thank you so much for these kind words. I actually have written a memoir about my experience with Mike’s diagnosis and becoming a caregiver, but I’m still looking for an agent and/or publisher who wants to take it on!
This is another version of how incredible women are at reinvention when a relationship ends from divorce, chronic illness, or death. It is a staggering learning curve in traditional marriages where jobs are gender-allotted and suddenly it is all on the last one standing. I had all the online computer-oriented end of things he loved and I avoided to fumble through... putting accounts in my name and having the provider leave all his accounts active and eliminate all of mine - my emails, my email addresses... poof! Paying bills, banking, all online and all now mine. Fixing things. I amazed myself the day I installed a new shower head.. little things, and yes, the snow shovel that was too big for me and the weed-eater & power lawnmower for his 6 ft frame all had to go. This year I purchased a replacement BBQ... another of "his" things he would have researched and hunted for the best deal. They are trivial successes but they are mine. And after three years as a widow, I came to the startling conclusion that for the first time in my life I am really taking care of me, focusing all the energy of nurturing others first without guilt.
I resonate with so much of this. Paying bills and managing our finances was a huge one--formerly Mike's job, suddenly mine. (And then I discovered how long he'd been struggling to handle that job and just pretending to do it . . . but that's a subject for another post.) Every little thing about your life changes when you lose the person who was your partner, regardless of how you lose them.
Thanks for this, Pam. Beautifully expressed, especially this '“Maybe my imaginary schedule is unrealistic,” I said. “And maybe what I’m telling myself I should do is different from what I actually can.”
One of the greatest emotions of being human, Love, also pushes us towards impossible standards of care. I try hard to treat 'should' as a swear word, and applaud the small wins - the actual can-do's. My inner critic is not as loud as it used to be, but I need to keep sharpening my tools.
❤️🤣 ❤️ Sometimes my 'thank you, inner voice' is said to myself more in 'F-u' tone rather than thanks...;-)
Evicting the word 'should' has made me VERY conscious of how many times I was using it before....that was freaky, and illuminating!
I hope you're feeling ok and the cold's disappeared. Cutting back the jasmine sounded like a cathartic slashing, as well as revealing the other path to your retreat!
Thank you, Pam. You made me cry at the end. And may I leave you with another thought regarding your day at home? If some sort of bug was working on you - you did well to not go into Mike's care home and possibly spread it to him and others too. Something to keep in mind for next time.
I did think about that as I was sitting in my chair, trying to compel myself to move.
I love that you have this forum and the ability to so eloquently express your emotions and experiences of this journey. You aren’t the only woman to travel this road, but everyone’s trip is different. I can honestly say I enjoy your writing, and I’m sad this has to be your topic, but I’m so glad you can do this in a public way so you can get loving feedback so you maybe don’t feel so alone. ❤️
Things always bloom, even in untended gardens. Glad to hear some helpful new skills and habits are blooming in you.
I'm glad that you have time to write about your caretaker journey. You're helping me on mine.
I eagerly await your posts as if they were chapters in a gripping story. They are, of course, but unfolding in real time. That you write so clearly and directly and in such a polished way about what is so wrenching is remarkable. It is a gift to me as I imagine myself in the same shoes in the not too distant future. When I think about this scenario to come, I feel like a hurricane of emotions and decisions is bearing down. By describing your path in such a clear, calm way you help me calm my own anticipatory fears. If/when you publish a book based on your experience, it will be a stand-out in a genre that understandably emphasizes the harrowing nature of what dementia caregivers go through, without much about how to remain sane and steady. Thank you.
Jill, thank you so much for these kind words. I actually have written a memoir about my experience with Mike’s diagnosis and becoming a caregiver, but I’m still looking for an agent and/or publisher who wants to take it on!
It should be a no-brainer!
This is another version of how incredible women are at reinvention when a relationship ends from divorce, chronic illness, or death. It is a staggering learning curve in traditional marriages where jobs are gender-allotted and suddenly it is all on the last one standing. I had all the online computer-oriented end of things he loved and I avoided to fumble through... putting accounts in my name and having the provider leave all his accounts active and eliminate all of mine - my emails, my email addresses... poof! Paying bills, banking, all online and all now mine. Fixing things. I amazed myself the day I installed a new shower head.. little things, and yes, the snow shovel that was too big for me and the weed-eater & power lawnmower for his 6 ft frame all had to go. This year I purchased a replacement BBQ... another of "his" things he would have researched and hunted for the best deal. They are trivial successes but they are mine. And after three years as a widow, I came to the startling conclusion that for the first time in my life I am really taking care of me, focusing all the energy of nurturing others first without guilt.
I resonate with so much of this. Paying bills and managing our finances was a huge one--formerly Mike's job, suddenly mine. (And then I discovered how long he'd been struggling to handle that job and just pretending to do it . . . but that's a subject for another post.) Every little thing about your life changes when you lose the person who was your partner, regardless of how you lose them.
This has many things moving about it, but in addition to what you communicate, how you do is lovely. What a beautiful narrative arc you have offered.
You’re doing an amazing job. So glad you listened to your body since being hard on yourself (and getting really sick) does not help him.
Thanks for this, Pam. Beautifully expressed, especially this '“Maybe my imaginary schedule is unrealistic,” I said. “And maybe what I’m telling myself I should do is different from what I actually can.”
One of the greatest emotions of being human, Love, also pushes us towards impossible standards of care. I try hard to treat 'should' as a swear word, and applaud the small wins - the actual can-do's. My inner critic is not as loud as it used to be, but I need to keep sharpening my tools.
Thanks. xo
My inner critic has no volume control! 😂 But I do try to respond to "should" with more compassion and less guilt.
❤️🤣 ❤️ Sometimes my 'thank you, inner voice' is said to myself more in 'F-u' tone rather than thanks...;-)
Evicting the word 'should' has made me VERY conscious of how many times I was using it before....that was freaky, and illuminating!
I hope you're feeling ok and the cold's disappeared. Cutting back the jasmine sounded like a cathartic slashing, as well as revealing the other path to your retreat!
you are brave